Crash Bandicoot Jeopardy Ep 1 to 16
by RaccoonPioneer
Summary: Now as a game host, Dr. Cortex is bound to have a headache. This story is to be a parody of the all-time hilarious Celebrity Jeopardy, Crash and Spyro style!
1. Crash, Crunch, and Coco

Crash Bandicoot Jeopardy – Episodes One to Sixteen

Story by RaccoonPioneer

_Crash Bandicoot series _& _Spyro the Dragon series _© Vivendi Universal Games. Other characters are also to make their cameo appearances; all other characters not originating from Crash or Spyro and are included in this story are © by RaccoonPioneer.

Episode One: Crash, Coco, and Crunch

Dr. Cortex: Welcome back to Crash Bandicoot Jeopardy. Before we begin our second round, I must ask that the bandicoots keep their pants on, fingers out from their ears and noses, and, ultimately, stop CALLING THEIR DISTANT FRIENDS WITH THEIR MODIFIED NV'S! With that being said, let's take a look at the scores…. Crash Bandicoot is in last place with negative 1 septillion dollars for being an inaudible freak and for trying to dance without any pants.

Crash: De be dee be de (I will now do a hula dance without any pants).

Dr. Cortex: What did I just get finished saying about dancing without any pants! In first place with an astonishing one dollar and twenty three cents is Crunch Bandicoot.

Crunch: What? I couldn't hear what you were sayin'.

Dr. Cortex: Evidently, you're deaf to the extreme; would you kindly take your finger out of your ear. And finally, in second place with negative thirty-two thousand dollars, is Coco Bandicoot.

Coco: Do you mind, I'm, like, talking to my new boyfriend here.

Dr. Cortex: Okay, I thought security frisked you from your NV. TINY … would you kindly dispose of that NV! Now, let's take a look at the board. And the categories are: potent potables, fruits that start with wumpa, witch doctor masks, famous super-animal heroes, a rock in the face – I should add that whenever you pick this category, you give me the right to throw a rock in your face – fat enemies of Wumpa Island, and finally, black hole or black head. Crunch Bandicoot, you're in the lead, so the board is yours.

Crunch: Huh?

Dr. Cortex: I said the board is yours, you idiot!

Crunch: Dugh … I'll take cotton swaps for three trillion.

Dr. Cortex: Evidently, you're also a babbling idiot. Coco, the board is now yours.

Coco: Are you deaf, I said I'm talking to my new boyfriend!

Dr Cortex: (sighs) … Crash, please pick a category.

Crash: De be (Wumpa).

Dr. Cortex: Okay, I take it you want fruits that start with wumpa; for how much?

Crash: De be (Wumpa).

Dr. Cortex: I know you want that category, but for how much?

Crash: Da do ba de ba de (Dancing without any pants)!

Dr. Cortex: Let's just go to black holes or black heads for three hundred. You have these on your skin, due to oils released from pours.

Crash: (pushes buzzer)

Dr. Cortex: Crash Bandicoot.

Crash: De be de be de (I will now do a hat dance without any pants)! (Throws sombrero on his podium)

Dr. Cortex: Not with me on the show you're not! Tiny, dispose of that hat!

Crunch: (pushes buzzer)

Dr Cortex: Crunch Bandicoot.

Crunch: Dugh … what was the question?

Dr. Cortex: You have these on your skin, due to oils released from pours.

Crunch: Urgh … peanut butter and jelly!

Dr. Cortex: NO! Anyone else?

Crash: (pushes buzzer)

Dr. Cortex: Crash Bandicoot, you already rang in and got the question wrong!

Crash: Dee, blaw da do ba de, ar re be di do ba da (Yes, but I want to correct myself, I shall perform a hula dance without any pants)!

Dr. Cortex: If you dare attempt to pull your pants off and perform a dance in the nude, I shall have security throw you clear out of here; you understand! Anyone else!

Bandicoots: (silence)

Dr. Cortex: The answer was black heads. Since all of the contestants are nothing more than retards, I shall pick the next category. Let's move on to witch doctor masks.

This witch doctor mask is known to travel and aid Crash Bandicoot on his adventures; he has four to seven feathers, depending on the game, and I know Crash knows who he is; his name starts with Aku; please someone say Aku Aku.

Crunch: (pushes buzzer)

Dr. Cortex: Crunch Bandicoot.

Crunch: Uka Uka!

Dr. Cortex: Didn't you hear a word I said; I said Aku Aku, not Uka Uka!

Crunch: But Aku Aku is your mask though, isn't he?

Dr. Cortex: No!

Crash: (pushes buzzer)

Dr. Cortex: Crash Bandicoot, you better not try performing another dance without your pants!

Crash: Du ba (The Witch Doctor) … re do ba de (by Dave Seville).

Dr. Cortex: What? Where the hell did you get that idea?

Crash: Ra do ba de (Didn't you ask for songs about witch doctors)?

Dr. Cortex: No! Good god, how can you mess this up; the god damned answer is Aku Aku!

Uka Uka: (flies up from out of nowhere) That's not what your mother said last night!

Dr. Cortex: De, Uka Uka, you're not supposed to show up in this episode!

Uka Uka: Again, that's not what your mother said! (Flies away)

Coco: (pushes buzzer)

Dr. Cortex: Coco, you're too late to buzz in, I've already given the answer.

Coco: No you didn't; I demand to be heard!

Dr. Cortex: Okay, fine; what do you think the answer is?

Coco: Tex Bandicoot

Dr. Cortex: Who the hell is this Tex Bandicoot?

Coco: My new boyfriend!

Dr. Cortex: I can already tell where this is going! Alright, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy, and the category is, magical swords…. Just write down anything you know about magical swords; it could be Excalibur, King Arthur's sword, I don't care, just write something about a magical sword!

Dr. Cortex: Now then, let's see how you idiots manage to mess things up! Crash Bandicoot you wrote … oh my lord! You drew a picture of yourself doing a dance without any pants!

Crash: de be de be de! (I shall now waltz without any pants!)

Dr. Cortex: Not in this studio you're not! Crunch Bandicoot you wrote … nothing! I'm speechless. And you wagered … five golden rings. We don't score by golden rings you idiot!

Crunch: Yes you do, ya fool!

Dr. Cortex: Fascinating … and finally Coco Bandicoot, you wrote … Tex Bandicoot. Apparently you're obsessed with this moron! That's all we have for tonight, I'm going home to bash my head against a wall, good night!


	2. Spyro, Sparx, and Ripto

Episode Two: Spyro, Sparx and Ripto

Dr. Cortex: Welcome back to Crash Bandicoot jeopardy. We have with us another pack of mongrel idiots, from the Spyro universe, who have deliberately given me a hard time! Let's take a look at the scores: Ripto is in second place with -$40,000.

Ripto: (Buzzes in) Pork-chop sandwiches!

Dr. Cortex: We haven't started playing, you dumbass!!! In third place with -$1 trillion is Spyro the Dragon.

Spyro: I need skis, skis for all my dragon buddies; we're going to attack Philadelphia over the Alps!

Dr. Cortex: Apparently, you have failed high school!

Spyro: And get me some more bubbly-bubbly! (Hiccups twice)

Dr. Cortex: … And in first place with an astonishing 5 cents, Sparx the Dragonfly.

Sparx: What? It's a bus fare!

Dr. Cortex: Are you willing to trade that for a candy bar?

Sparx: No

Dr. Cortex: … You're officially no longer on my Christmas card list this year! And now … let us take a look at the board. And the categories are: Potent Potables, Political Nut-jobs, Economic Disasters, the Letter 'J' – I might also want to add that every answer in that category is 'J' – Foxy Chicks, The Seven Continents, and finally Colors that end in 'een'. Sparx, you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.

Sparx: Give me the category with the smooth jazz….

Dr. Cortex: (Stares up at the board, confused, then back at Sparx) There is no category up there concerning jazz!

Sparx: Sure there is man … why else is there a 'J' up there?

Dr. Cortex: Ugh … moving on, the category 'J', for 300: This is the letter after 'I' and the one before 'K'.

(Spyro buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Spyro the Dragon.

Spyro: V for Vendetta!

Dr. Cortex: (Shakes his head as a buzzer rings) … You are apparently a complete retard!

(Ripto buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Ripto!

Ripto: Applesauce!

Dr. Cortex: Where the hell did you get that idea from?

Ripto: I'm hungry!

Dr. Cortex: What else is new, you fatty! Anyone else

(A few seconds pass)

Dr. Cortex: Good lord … the frickin answer was 'J'! … Sparx the board is still yours.

Sparx: What's that one category, seven correspondents?

Dr. Cortex: That's continents … for 400: this is the continent on which you're currently standing on!

(Ripto buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Ripto!

Ripto: Swiss cheese!

Dr. Cortex: NO!!!

(Sparx buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Sparx!

Sparx: Atlantis!

Dr. Cortex: Atlantis isn't a real continent Sparx; it's only a part of Greek mythology!

Sparx: Then how did Disney get there, huh?

(Dr. Cortex stares at Sparx in displeasure)

(Spyro buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Spyro, the continent you're currently standing on!

Spyro: Santa Clauses' workshop at the North Pole!!!

Dr. Cortex: NO!!! My god you guys, we're in Australia!

(Ripto buzzes in)

Ripto: Waiter, I want a pizza, hot wings, mozzarella sticks, cheese sticks, cheese garlic bread, spaghetti, and ….

(Dr. Cortex screams loudly and runs off the stage)

Tom Nelson: Ladies and Gentleman, this has been another addition of Crash Bandicoot Jeopardy. Good night!

Ripto: I want pizza, steak, ravioli, French fries, soft drinks, chocolate, mustard, hot dogs, curly fries, ice cream ….


	3. Pinstripe, Crush, and Uka Uka

Episode Three: Pinstripe, Crush and Uka-Uka

Dr. Cortex: And welcome back to Crash Bandicoot Jeopardy. I thought by now I'd be replaced, but with the current economic recession dictating everything, I have no choice … but to remain here. Let's take a look at the scores: Crush is in the commanding lead with negative 1 cent….

Crush: I will crush you all…!

Dr. Cortex: Great … Pinstripe is in second place with negative 7000 dollars.

Pinstripe: You son of a … biscuit!

Dr. Cortex: … and finally, in last place, with negative 1 trillion dollars and seventeen cents, Uka-Uka.

Uka-Uka: Well, well, well Cortex … we are in this together now!

Dr. Cortex: I'm in no mood to start with you Uka-Uka!

Uka-Uka: Oh … that's not what your mother said last night!

Dr. Cortex: … Let's take a look at the board! And the categories are: Potent Potables, Letters or Numbers, States that end in 'Lvania', Blood-sucking creatures, Submachine Guns ….

Pinstripe: Give me the guns!!!

Dr. Cortex: There aren't any guns; it's just a category! Moving on … Show and Tell, and finally Henchmen or Assholes; Crush, you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.

Crush: Show and tell, show and tell!!!

Dr. Cortex: Fine … for how much?

Crush: … I don't know; what is it?

Dr. Cortex: I may as well choose for you then … Show and Tell for 300.

(Uka-Uka buzzes in)

Uka-Uka: A bald, crazy man with a mustache!

Dr. Cortex: Uka-Uka, I'm not the object!

(Cortex pulls a pocket watch from his pocket)

Dr. Cortex: This is the object … what is it?

(Pinstripe buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Pinstripe!

Pinstripe: A time bomb!

Dr. Cortex: No!

(Crush buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Crush!

Crush: Ah … candy!!!

Dr. Cortex: NO … it's a fricking pocket watch!!!

Uka-Uka: You only know that because of your mother!!!

Dr. Cortex: You keep my mother out of this! (Pauses) Let's move on to States That End in 'Lvania' for 100 … This state … ends in 'Lvania'.

(Uka-Uka buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Uka-Uka!

Uka-Uka: Transylvania!

Dr. Cortex: Although that would technically be a correct response, I'm afraid that's not what we're looking for.

Uka-Uka: WHAT?!? You yellow bastard!!!

(Pinstripe buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Pinstripe!

Pinstripe: A Tommie gun!

Dr. Cortex: For the last time, you dumbass, there are no guns!!!

(Crush buzzes in)

Dr. Cortex: Crush!

Crush: Potsylvania!

Dr. Cortex: Apparently you're dumb enough to take actions that will promise you being sued by a moose and squirrel! (Pauses) Okay … let's just move on to final jeopardy and the category … you know what … just don't do anything!!!

(Despite this, Crush and Pinstripe madly scribble away at their podiums)

Dr. Cortex: I don't understand why Crush and Pinstripe are being idiots … but regardless, let's see how they've managed to mess things up! Crush, you wrote: coffee, coffee, coffee; I'm speechless! And you've wagered: 150 pounds of pound cake.

Crush: TEA TIME!!!

Dr. Cortex: Not on my watch! Pinstripe, you wrote: a drawing of you carrying a poorly drawn machine gun, apparently shooting me in the chest.

Pinstripe: Now give me the guns!!!

Dr. Cortex: Quite frankly I don't even want to know what you've wagered. And congratulations Uka-Uka, you've done this request correctly. That's all we have for ….

Uka-Uka: Oh … now wait a second! What about my wager?

Dr. Cortex: Yes, of course, you're wager! How much?

(Uka-Uka magically pulls up a huge sign with a hand painted on it. All but one finger is standing … and it isn't hard to guess which finger is standing. Uka-Uka laughs hysterically as Cortex frowns heavily in disgust.)

Dr. Cortex: I hate my life!!! That's all we have for jeopardy tonight folks, so … I'm going home and … hopefully … lock myself in a room, where no one can find me!


End file.
